Greedy or Needy?

I need to be surrounded by beautiful things in my life. Spring will be a great start out here but I need exposure to beautiful art and listen to more of even my current collection of beautiful music. It is so damn inspiring when surrounded by those things. Going to (good) museums, reading beautifully crafted books (yeah, it's dorky that I like old books, deal with it), hearing harmonies and gorgeous sweeping key changes, and just being in 'green pastures' would be fantastic. And expressing that more accurately would be very much desired as well.

Or do I just need to be happier with the little things around me?

I don't think I need to be surrounded by physically beautiful people, though I do need more emotionally beautiful ones in my physical interactions(and that is a really warm and comforting thought---emotionally beautiful people). But I do have some wonderful books at my disposal, I can use the internet to see many beautiful works of art if not in person and can listen to more of the aforementioned music. Beyond that should I be more content/inspired/heartened by the smaller beauties that must exist in my current everyday life? Part of me feels that would selling life short or settling for a muted version of what exists. Not sure if that's a spoiled-brat part of me or a vital, struggling-for-inspiration and beauty part that should be heeded. Grrr...

Blargh

productivity has not been a remotely common occurrence for me this past week. Blargh. And I'm sucking at the eating well thing, I keep trying random snack foods that don't make me feel too great and eating high-sugar fruits on an empty stomach. And I will be heading off to California shortly which means a whole lotta Clif Bars to tide me over on my plane trips and until I settle into cooking food at my old apartment (looking forward to seeing those people though).

Basically a whole lot of negative feeling at the moment with regards to how productive I've been as well as how much just useless crap exists in the 'real world' (silly societal norms and rules and such). Not sure why I'm posting this as it is not productive or enlightening in and of itself. Blargh.

Target audience?

well I hope I didn't scare any of my four readers off with that weird over-population post. I've been watching a slew of those episodes and they are so entertaining and educational. fun stuff.

I'm slowly feeling better about my excercising as it feels a little easier each day and the mild soreness is a good thing. Now I just need to get my eating in better order. A trip out to an Indian restaurant with my dad has thrown me a bit of a curveball and I think there is some part of my diet (cheese? cookies? roasted pepper chicken sausage?) that may not be sitting too well. One good thing at a time, I guess.

On the circusy-front, I've been contemplating the whole target audience subject my friend Emily brought up in her comment on one of my previous blogs. The type of performance I work to bring to life can very well be quite limited in its 'accessibility' and appeal. How much of a role should I let that play in this entire process? Having a wider customer base would increase the feasibility of a project. I neither see myself with enough savings nor believe any others who may join the project would be particularly happy with the 'struggling artist' track. The experience in Oakland with A Different Spin showed me that a more 'variety act' fire show coupled with workshops and street-show daytime performances create the opportunity to make a living (pay for rent, food, medical bills, car payments) with as little as two gigs a month. That was very encouraging and also extremely frustrating as we did not pursue it in earnest even once the truth was experienced. But in any case, maybe it makes sense to do that kind of a thing all over again---create a kick-ass fire variety show that can help pay the bills as it is more accessible and appealing to a larger scope of customers while a larger visionary show is worked on. And that larger show could be the more narrative piece as I've mentioned before or a band/electronic music producer collaborative show. But it also could just be a more kick-ass fire show. All three options require what any entertainment venture require---time to build a fan base/get recognition; you've gotta struggle through some rough times of being rejected, not being paid as much, etc. to get to the level you deserve. Depending on the success of the 'start-up'/pay-the-bills shows this might be a shorter time period than usual but I have a feeling recognition will take time regardless. The benefit to doing a more straight-up kick-ass fire show with the larger project is that I feel it would be more accessible to different groups of people. A large part of that is even if it is a unique take on variety-type shows, it comes from a foundation of familiar entertainment form: show up, pay a fee, see some display of skill, applaud, go home. It's also easier from a creation standpoint as the foundation doesn't need to be created from scratch (as I mentioned a few posts ago). I think I could be very happy working to create an amazingly impressive fire variety show even though it wouldn't be as cool and 'ground-breaking' as the other narrative/band ideas.

There is also the flexibility to create shorter or longer shows based on which acts are included/which performers can make a performance. But could this also create disinterest and allow some performers to coast and put in minimal effort? I guess these are very farsighted questions as well as very theoretical. After all, wouldn't I be involved only with people I felt were committed? And that doesn't preclude performers from having a minor time commitment as long as their results are of the proper quality. Bah, this is getting way too far ahead of things...I'm going to go gather my thoughts a little better and post again today or tomorrow about this.

fresh start

So I now AM officially done with the work thing. To celebrate, I finally had my hair re-cut, re-dyed and re-shaved. Yay symbolic gestures. Ain't they grand?

So hopefully I will now be able to make some serious progress in many areas of my life. Keeping myself physically healthy will be a top priority so exercise and eating right are gonna be on tap every day. My mental health will improve as the weather gets better soon I'm sure. And the trip back to California for ten days to see so many wonderful circus arts friends AND perform for Harvey Mudd College should be quite refreshing and grounding as I start to muddle through the vision of performing for a living. My short-term goal is to get the groundwork laid for what the next several months will be like in the 9 or so days until I cross the country via the airways. Contacting some inspirational people from the past will be a first step (and one I will continue on the west coast) and a TON of brainstorming will be the fruits of my labor, I think. That will be tough for me to handle as it may not appear to be much progress or work that gets done in that short time but I am also working on being more satisfied with the little steps and small wonders in life. Ooh, multi-tasking: further the circus dream and make myself a more content person.

A random side-note is that I think everyone should check out Penn & Teller's Showtime series "Bullshit!" There are a ton of episodes on youtube and they tackle some fantastic topics ranging from the energy crisis and nuclear power to the death penalty to Mother Theresa/Gandhi/the Dali Lama to the war on drugs and even to abstinence. They basically take a controversial subject and get a representative (or two or three) from each side to explain some important aspects of the subject. Unfortunately, the hosts don't perform their very entertaining magic but they do plenty of amusing exchanges between ever-silent Teller and Penn. And Penn will call many people assholes each show. Good times.

But in any case, there was a 'what you eat' episode in which they attacked Greenpeace for stopping genetically-modified crops from being sent to countries with starvation issues. There were many hippies and raw-foodites to explain all the dangers and a few more scientific-folk to show how safe the crops were. It got me to thinking all those philosophical thoughts about a moral duty to help those in worse conditions (which, if you spoke to me during my time at Vassar, you'd know I believe strongly in after reading some very convincing philosophy assignments) and the ideas of 'survival of the fittest'/natural population control. Technology has allowed us to overcome a lot of the more basic traits that would have taken us out of the evolutionary picture (eyesight, allergies and birth defects are some of the many examples) and has been used as a defense for how we have adapted in a way to create a 'fitter' genetic group. But it's a damn tricky concept. Ending world hunger used to be a no-brainer to me, but when some arguments were presented to me in college I realized maybe that wasn't the whole story. We have too many people living in the world at the rate we are going and hunger, disease, and disaster act as means of curbing that growing population for the overall good of the planet. I don't know how to look at that. Is creating genetically modified food crop that will allow many millions of people to live right if we are not allowing them to live as they 'should'? Ie, can we use our 'genetically fit' trait of technology to eliminate one of the limiting factors of population growth? We may not understand how the modifications to the crops will affect their quality of life, affect the weather patterns and land quality (not to mention balance of the ecosystem with regards to other plant and animal species), but it WILL allow millions of people to live longer than they currently are. There is that very fierce part of my person that screams "YES, you save as many people as you can!" but we would be making currently un-farmed and overall poorly life-sustaining land into something it's not in a very short amount of time. Maybe we are not 'supposed to' be living in certain regions of the world with our current genetic make-up. Hell, maybe we aren't supposed to be living in cities in the fashion we do. My Crohns disease has opened my eyes to what we accept on a daily basis as 'healthy' or at least not detrimental in terms of food. We 'should' not be eating 90%+ of what most people in the US do from a genetic standpoint and it is beginning to show in the rise of heart disease, digestive disorders and cancer in the US. This is the crux of the matter: just because we TECHNOLOGICALLY can create food at a rate to cheaply and (from a taste standpoint, at least as we've been force-fed it and become accustomed to it) readily supply particular foods doesn't mean we GENETICALLY are able to properly digest that food. Just because we have used technology to inject vitamins into cardboard doesn't mean that we will receive those vitamins if we ingest that cardboard. So who's to say the genetically modified crops would not eventually create issues not just for the health of the people they feed but for the planet itself? A couple of years ago I would yell at anyone with that question but I am instead just stuck not knowing which side wins out anymore...

I miss academia...

It has begun!....almost....

Today was supposed to be my first weekday of glorious lack of employment. A roadblock popped up when my coworker decided to wait until the absolute last minute to get me a write-up to be added to my final project. Forget the details, I will be working from home for a day or two longer to wrap things up but am MOSTLY free.

I began day one of 'get myself in healthier shape' and just the beginning was tough as I expected. Even just doing a few sets of free-weights (something I used to do regularly and with ease, not to mention 5 more pounds per weight, a few years ago) is draining. But when I still have a really hard time looking at myself in the mirror I know the battle will be uphill and am committed to using this new free time to eating better and keeping active. I want to gain back at least 20 of the 30+lbs I lost. Plus the increased blood-flow due to working out gets me amped up to work on the logistics of future circus and fire arts performance and improving my own limited skills. Huzzah! Ok, time for some food and hopefully some brainstorming before more exercise.