homestretch

so looking forward to this week. a bit bittersweet as though this is my last week at work it is also the week where I will travel home twice to do some yahrtzeit services with my dad for my mom.

I say bittersweet but it's actually quite fitting now that I think about it. My mom wanted nothing more than for me to be happy. She always believed in what I was doing, whether it was jazz, soccer or circus (or academics of course). A big part in my eventual decision to leave California---even with some progress shown and perhaps a glimmer of future potential---was because of her dying (sidenote: I've found I dislike the phrase 'passing away'. It tries to pretty-up and lessen a loss. It is a loss. It hurts. Acknowledge that). She had her reservations about my traveling to Oakland after graduation. Those reservations were partly rooted in her failing health and my recent diagnosis with Crohns. But I know she was also very worried about how I would handle possible failure/realization that my goals couldn't be attained. She knows I am hard on myself and the last thing she wanted was for me to be stressed and unhappy, and I believe that superseded her health concerns. When I called to give updates and didn't sound happy about where things were going I could tell she was worried and upset.

So I will have my last week of work, which marks the beginning of a new lifestyle and mindset, with a week where I remember my mom. Quite fitting.

unproductive

It's been a disappointing last two days. A ridiculously useless and stressful day at work but I'll spare yall the boring details. Bottom line is that after being a pushover and telling my boss 'yes I WILL come in on Friday to waste my time, energy and health for a 3rd straight work-day' I had the overwhelming urge to walk outside and scream until I was left with a ripped and raw throat while gasping for painfully cold breath. One of only three times that's happened to me in my spotty memory. I so can't wait for this job to be over. One more week at the max...

But today was just plan useless. I decided to give my body all the sleep it asked for in hopes to make some progress kicking this lingering sickness but even 11+ hours later I felt awful. Not to mention it didn't make for a productive start to my day. I got updates from my few friends that are enjoying their jobs which was great to hear about but also made me a bit jealous. I also got updates from friends in not fun job situations which was saddening but in one case my friend is ready to put a plan into place and move forward to attempt amazing things. I will so support that and do all I can to make it happen. That was somewhat inspiring...yet I got nothing done. at least I posted this I guess. blarg...

The comments I've received on this blog both via email and as blog-comments have been surprisingly supportive and complimentary. It's still a bit odd for some reason for me to hear those things but I truly appreciate them. The support is very very much appreciated and I will look to those comments to get me through these periods of uselessness and the eventual struggles when I finally dive on in. I think I am beginning to see another bonus to my even pursuing this dream of performing---inspiring others to pursue what makes them happy. I believe that if I can realize it, the performances will inspire those who see them but I never realized the pursuit itself could inspire. I really hope that I can do that. I'm not happy with the normal life we are thrust into and have questioned (often without answer yet) the requirements it installs. Sometimes it takes someone else to remind you to ask those questions and give a little prod in the right direction before you can get on the path to what will eventually make you happiest. I will do my best to query and nudge as often as I can :)

ka-plow!

This is gonna be one all-over post...

I can't wait until I am done with work. Too many little things crop up that I need to do on my days off (and/or I'm sick from my lovely immuno modulator meds or having discomfort from my work hours that carries over to the next day) that I haven't been able to get into a good routine of circus training and 'writing'. Excuses will be out the window once this job is over within the next week or so.

As for that 'writing' I have already been muddling it through my head a bit and am wondering where to start. I want to have a better handle on what I want to DO before I start sketching out ideas. I emailed the two email addresses on E.S. Posthumus' website a month ago with a vague teaser of the idea of a concert event with fire performers and haven't heard anything back. Maybe I need to have a really solid idea before I do that, maybe that email was too vague and didn't have any visuals to show. I am beginning to dislike the maybes...

I believe in the viability of a performance group that does one of two things:

1) performs at festivals and corporate events, doing a kick-ass fire show, some good ole' atmospheric circus and magic daytime work, and workshops and/or daytime 'shows' if wanted. A Different Spin did this in Orangeville last summer and is going to do it again this summer. This can bring in very solid money and doesn't require much continued effort after the first one as the material is mostly there.

2) some sort of narrative fire show with a band (Coheed and Cambria?) or music producers (E.S. Posthumus?) to create a unique entertainment event. Not a regular concert and not Cirque. A rockin middle ground.

Of course there are lots of issues that exist in making either of these work. The first option is pretty easy really but still requires that someone is learning where to find the gigs. I have no clue. Is there a cool "founders' fairs" website where we can find the places willing to shell out $5,000+ for a day or two of amazing entertainment? The price is maybe even low but reasonable by any stretch of the imagination. If things had gone differently out in California I might be able to answer that question of where to go to find more gigs or even seeing how the idea plays out but such is life...

The issue for the second option is well uh...EVERYTHING. You gotta start from scratch and write a whole show. And the scope of it is pretty big---it's pretty much writing a play/musical, choreographing a ballet, and getting the cast and crew to do that. And do you do that without first having a band/musical producer? Part of me thinks writing a show to all E.S. Posthmus music would be a great idea---have something to show them that is not only impressive but reduces their need to invest time to get things started. I have a reservation that all the time and work to create something that could be scrapped. But that is one I should throw out the window. If it gets the opportunity to make the vision a reality the time and energy was worth it. Yay for removing my reservation by writing about it :) But the scope issue still exists. I started tackling this by compiling a list of cast (performers) and crew (lights/sound, music mixing types) that I've met and think may even have a sliver of interest. It's not a very big list. It has a few question marks for people I haven't seen perform much, personalities I'm not sure would work well with me or others and many concerns over how much they could buy into this idea at this point in their life.

This list is a start. It doesn't make sense to contact the people on it yet, though. As I mentioned earlier, I need a better idea of what it is this will BE before I take the next step. Before I find out how many of the people I already know will join in making this ridiculous vision, whatever it ends up being, happen.

As scattered as this post has been I feel like it's given me a bit of a push to get moving on this. I can't wait until I'm done with work...

Health

I have to this point in my life only met one person I am comfortable just 'being' with---no need to talk/engage in some sort of game or activity. In every other setting I need to DO something, be somehow productive. Hell, talking about silly existential or personal things seems productive compared to watching people play a game or something like that.

I bring this up because I spoke with my doctor on Thursday and my soon-to-be-ex boss on Friday and something really hit home for me: I am not going to have a regular, healthy life. I mean, there's a chance someday things will magically iron themselves out in my digestive system but as things stand and the medication I am on affects me, it's gonna be sporadic and unknown how healthy I feel each day. My doctor described it as an imperfect control that would keep me from fairly regular awful health and instead put me in mostly 'good' health. Depending on what I eat I may feel like crap. Depending on when I ate things and when I get up I may feel like crap. The thing that made me maddest about my illness when it was full-blown was that I could never know when it was gonna hit hard. The inbetween times were uncomfortable but much better than that. Now it's unknown to me when I am going to feel uncomfortable and the inbetween times are mostly great. This is a huge improvement but one that I don't think I really accepted until these past few days. I am very glad to have moved on through a very rough second-half of my senior year at Vassar and the time in Berkeley and Club Med where things were looking down again. I grew closer to my mom before she died as a result of my struggle, learned a lot about myself, and met some great people so there is a positive even to that very negative time in my life. Where I go from here is the important part though.

Maybe this constant worry about when times will feel healthy or not for me is why I have such little patience for the downsides in many walks of 'normal' life (mostly in the work area of course). Whatever it is, I know that I need to find a way to take advantage of my good times and help sustain them by reveling in good health and experiencing and creating things that make me happy. Finding a safe way to push through the 'unhealthy' times is going to be a challenge that I hope to tackle as well towards the same end.

It would be hypocritical of me not to keep in mind part of the message in my last post---namely that I STILL have it better off than countless people throughout the world. I WILL succeed in my goals. I WILL have a happy life even if it is not a 'regular, healthy' one.

Surviving

This blog will definitely serve as a soap-box of sorts and a place for me to dump some unsettling musings I have in my head. I am going to do my best to avoid too much existential nonsense and in all parts of my life I hope to be a bit less emo than I have been :)

The biggest struggle I've found for myself over the past year or two (other than dealing with unrealized potential) is the response to the negative aspects of life with "that's the way it is for everyone, just deal". The result of most 9-5 jobs is coming home to cook/heat up food and then veg out and watch TV (and extremely rarely is that TV 'good' in being educational or inspirational) and finally go to bed mentally and inspirationally exhausted to begin the cycle again the next day. I have a few friends who enjoy their jobs but I think they still end up in this cycle. Why do they do it? Even if you get pleasure from work at some points, isn't the low-energy lull post-work an issue that shouldn't just be shrugged off? Of course there is bound to be a downside of sorts to pretty much any work situation but isn't it reasonable to require more than we tend to? What are you moving towards in your earning money (as this is usually the easiest excuse for staying with a job)? Who are you making happy by staying in the situation you are currently in?

These are questions that I hope everyone poses to themselves fairly frequently. Enjoy your happiness by all means, but be self-reflective at any given time. And above all, do not forget how good we have it compared to so many people not just in other countries but here in the US. We have fantastic opportunities to create something fantastic and it's (to me at least) wrong to waste those opportunities.


Life for you, has been less than kind
So take a number, stand in line
We've all been sorry, we've all been hurt
But how we survive, is what makes us who we are
-Rise Against

Hello, World!

I think that title was some sort of funny Computer Science joke but I'm so far removed from my days learning how to program that I can't be too sure...ah well. (and by World I mean all 3 of you reading this...then again, tis my first so maybe I'll get a whole SIX to see this one!)

Herro, World! So this is my first post on my first blog on my first day of setting myself on a path to greatness! At least I hope it shall be great. Grand would be perfectly acceptable as well.

Bah, I'm sure you're at least mildly curious and wish to know why I called you here to waste a few precious internet-based-procrastination minutes. So I will cut to the chase...I need some accountability in my life. And the internet is a sure-fire way to get people to kick my ass. Ok, no, that really doesn't sound like particularly...well, sound, reasoning but I think it is. As a good friend once told me "Blogs are peoples' way of getting up on the metaphorical table of the internet and yelling 'Look at me!'" So though I am not artistically inclined I hope to create something useful every day or so for others to see and judge. Ooh, that's right, you can JUDGE me. And I won't be able to say "well, my cartoon/poem/flash animation is subject to a certain aesthetic" (not that those endeavors are not just as valid and substantial). You can call me a flat-out crazy mofo. I mean, I did just quit a perfectly good job to see if I can make the dream of circus and fire arts performance a reality. Oh yes, I did just throw in that little bit of juicy info about what this blog may end up being about...