homestretch

so looking forward to this week. a bit bittersweet as though this is my last week at work it is also the week where I will travel home twice to do some yahrtzeit services with my dad for my mom.

I say bittersweet but it's actually quite fitting now that I think about it. My mom wanted nothing more than for me to be happy. She always believed in what I was doing, whether it was jazz, soccer or circus (or academics of course). A big part in my eventual decision to leave California---even with some progress shown and perhaps a glimmer of future potential---was because of her dying (sidenote: I've found I dislike the phrase 'passing away'. It tries to pretty-up and lessen a loss. It is a loss. It hurts. Acknowledge that). She had her reservations about my traveling to Oakland after graduation. Those reservations were partly rooted in her failing health and my recent diagnosis with Crohns. But I know she was also very worried about how I would handle possible failure/realization that my goals couldn't be attained. She knows I am hard on myself and the last thing she wanted was for me to be stressed and unhappy, and I believe that superseded her health concerns. When I called to give updates and didn't sound happy about where things were going I could tell she was worried and upset.

So I will have my last week of work, which marks the beginning of a new lifestyle and mindset, with a week where I remember my mom. Quite fitting.