Health

I have to this point in my life only met one person I am comfortable just 'being' with---no need to talk/engage in some sort of game or activity. In every other setting I need to DO something, be somehow productive. Hell, talking about silly existential or personal things seems productive compared to watching people play a game or something like that.

I bring this up because I spoke with my doctor on Thursday and my soon-to-be-ex boss on Friday and something really hit home for me: I am not going to have a regular, healthy life. I mean, there's a chance someday things will magically iron themselves out in my digestive system but as things stand and the medication I am on affects me, it's gonna be sporadic and unknown how healthy I feel each day. My doctor described it as an imperfect control that would keep me from fairly regular awful health and instead put me in mostly 'good' health. Depending on what I eat I may feel like crap. Depending on when I ate things and when I get up I may feel like crap. The thing that made me maddest about my illness when it was full-blown was that I could never know when it was gonna hit hard. The inbetween times were uncomfortable but much better than that. Now it's unknown to me when I am going to feel uncomfortable and the inbetween times are mostly great. This is a huge improvement but one that I don't think I really accepted until these past few days. I am very glad to have moved on through a very rough second-half of my senior year at Vassar and the time in Berkeley and Club Med where things were looking down again. I grew closer to my mom before she died as a result of my struggle, learned a lot about myself, and met some great people so there is a positive even to that very negative time in my life. Where I go from here is the important part though.

Maybe this constant worry about when times will feel healthy or not for me is why I have such little patience for the downsides in many walks of 'normal' life (mostly in the work area of course). Whatever it is, I know that I need to find a way to take advantage of my good times and help sustain them by reveling in good health and experiencing and creating things that make me happy. Finding a safe way to push through the 'unhealthy' times is going to be a challenge that I hope to tackle as well towards the same end.

It would be hypocritical of me not to keep in mind part of the message in my last post---namely that I STILL have it better off than countless people throughout the world. I WILL succeed in my goals. I WILL have a happy life even if it is not a 'regular, healthy' one.