On the move...

Headed to Boston today---Saturday the 15th of November. Tim, Jeremy, Ricky and I are moving into an apartment in Brighton. Hopefully we will find flexible enough jobs to get us through the winter months and still work on promoting and even performing. I am anxious to say the least. Also far too contemplative these past few days...I'm sure I'll post about that soon. Back to last-minute packing.

comedy

So I don't quite get my reaction to humor. (Random side note: spelling it humour doesn't piss me off like spelling color like colour or those other random British 'u' words...no clue why) If I am watching a comedy alone I will most likely not laugh out-loud at all. I also don't *really* find them that funny when I watch them alone. But if I'm with other people who find it funny it somehow becomes funny for no reason known to me. There's the saying about laughter being contagious but I just can't believe that's all there is to it. I am a fairly humorless person on my own so what changes when I am with other people? Hrm...talk about useless blog post.

In unrelated news, I am very uncomfortable with my lack of direction and productivity. Wait, did I say 'news'...?

wooo!

First off: Obama wins. Hellz freakin yeah. Looks like I won't be apartment hunting in Canada/Australia/New Zealand anytime soon :) (Random side note: I might not even be allowed to go to New Zealand as they have some weird health-standards that prevented a woman I know with an auto-immune disorder from going. ) The future is more hopeful and I am excited to experience where Obama's administration takes the country.

Secondly: our last two college performances were pretty darn great also. SUNY Cortland got rocked and were some of the most engaged students we've experienced and Johnson and Wales University was fun too! Four college gigs in one month is pretty darn sweet. We learned from each one and are confident in our ability to provide kick-ass entertainment to any event. Crappy sound systems, weird barriers between performers and audience and odd stages are no match for our rock!

Thirdly: We are probably moving to Boston in like a week. Dear lord that is frightening as I have no organization in my life as is and now need to help find an apartment and pack and clean and all that good stuff. This is pending Club Med NOT working out for us which would be sad. Bahamas in the winter would be swell as would seeing Dij again (he is awesome).

Blah, I've been inspired lately but had the whole 'going home to vote' and 'Crohn's disease rearing it's ugly head' thing these past two days to keep me from jump-starting things. Hopefully the hectic final week of our lease in this apartment will be a forced time of evaluation and consolidation in my life. Here's hoping...

Two colleges have already felt the power!

Iona College on October 3rd and Canisius College on October 9th were targets for the east-coast contingent of A Different Spin.

Result: direct hits.

The Iona College gig was about as difficult as could be---our day show was requested for 8:30pm in a parking lot and our mic randomly stopped working after 2minutes of our show, said parking lot was separated from half the audience by a 4-foot high brick wall and 3-foot high iron railing which caused a great disconnect for many audience members as well as ourselves---and yet we put on a great pair of shows under the circumstances. The coordinators were thrilled with the product which is a hugely important piece of the puzzle and we had our first 'real' gig as a group under our belts. A success for sure.

Canisius College is in Buffalo---5.5 hours each way for us---was a totally kickass show. It was a ridiculously windy day which put a big damper on our club juggling (but luckily we were not hired to do a day show so we just avoided the clubs) but the crowd had fun learning to juggle. They were also freaked out by Jeremy and my glass walking (and Jeremy's face-plant in glass while Ricky juggled knives while standing on Jeremy's head) and I made quite a few people flip out with some card magic. A great time was had during our four hours of 'circus entertainment'. The fire show was amazing, though; under the watchful eyes of a crew of a fire truck from the City of Buffalo Fire Department we performed damn near as well as possible and the audience had a complete blast. Our audience volunteer was reluctant to join the crazy performance but eventually had a good time with the four weirdos with electrical tape on their faces (ie, us). It was a lot of fun and maybe we'll even get to go back again in the future to teach and/or perform.

We've got two more gigs this month at colleges---SUNY Cortland on the 24th and Johnson & Wales on the 30th---so our plate is full of fun fire shows in October :) I think it is an overall fantastic beginning to our journey as professional fire performers!

mixed feelings

The preview show at Vassar on Friday 9/19 was pretty darn good. We were able to gauge where we were after our ten days of hardcore practicing and the readings were comforting. Torch juggling is still something we need practice with but our fire show will be really amazing once we get a few more nights of practice so that our comfort level is where it needs to be. The day show was an overall success---it has a fair amount of audience participation, some great humor, a fun finale and impressive skills throughout. The future for A Different Spin on the east coast looks great from a product standpoint. And we have gigs! (www.adifferentspin.net) Three high-paying ones are locked up with another in the works and two smaller-paying opportunities are locked up as well (they will have fewer performers, hence the smaller pay). We also maybe able to negotiate a performance for our apartment complex in exchange for our November rent. Go, Jeremy, go!

On the negative side of things, I am fairly terrified about the future of our country. The current economic crisis is extremely worrisome and the $700 billion proposed plan is downright catastrophic in it's non-reviewable, unprecedented power form. Beyond that is the prospect of a country run by McCain and the beast that is Sarah Palin. If Obama loses I may have no choice but to look to start life in another country...

>.>

So I've been M.I.A from the blogosphere and I have no real excuse. I fail. Deal with it.

A Different Spin (East Coast) started the 10-day boot camp where we become ninjas in the circus and fire arts world this past Wednesday. Day one of the boot camp was impeded by a ridiculously cute stray kitten. I am completely serious. After coaxing it out from under the leasing office (where it had been mewling for about an hour) with ham and a saucer of milk, it promptly changed from been terrified of us by being completely attached. During our juggling and poi rehearsals it would weave from person to person, mewling and rubbing up against our legs in the cutest 'love me' manner ever. Tim is allergic to cats so he was having none of it but he melted from time to time nonetheless by the overpowering cuteness of this tiny over-sized-earred fluffy animal. After a quick break for lunch we returned to find it wanting to play more but felt it was too distracting so we should move to the other grassy field...except now the kitten had determined we were the ones to stick by through thick and thin. It scampered up the hill, dodged a few slow cars and pattered after us to the other field where it continued its penchant for weaving around our legs regardless of clubs and poi that would come zooming for its head despite our best efforts to avoid it (a really cute kitten rubbing against your legs does NOT allow for your complete focus on juggling). Jeremy achieved 'mother' status with our new friend and received many the heart-melting leg-hug---basically tiny, mostly-coordinated kitten would get up on its hind legs and struggle to put both front paws around Jeremy's calf. Eventually claws became involved yet Jeremy seemed to juggle extremely well anyway. Next up...the daschund who did not make our friend flee but rather incited its ire somehow and caused a magnetic effect ending in an archbacked kitten hissing at a confused daschund whose owner eventually picked up the dog and attempted to flee, pursued by the little hissing factory. A quick scoop from Jeremy dissolved the situation until our cuddly friend was placed on the ground, looked around, found the daschund and made a beeline for him again. This time I scooped but the same result of the chase continued. We gave up, the kitten was rescued by two early college-aged girls and all was well in the world...except I miss the cutest little oblivious ball of fur I've met :(

Orangeville = Rocked

Yeah, we did it again, we showed them Canadians how badass we are. I personally sucked during an act or two and the ever-tough torch passing acts weren't *perfect* but the show overall on Saturday night was fan-freakin-tastic. The crowd of 250+ (I am awful at estimates, maybe it was more) had an absolute blast and the four of us had a ton of fun.

Then again, who couldn't have fun when one of your acts contains the dance moves from http://youtube.com/watch?v=BWiqnPIxIdM ?



I'm so bittersweet at the moment. Yes, we rocked hardcore. And no, the bitter part isn't from spending over 14 hours in the Buffalo airport overnight. It's from the fact that the Orangeville Founder's Fair showed AGAIN that the group created when we graduated was all set to go. I am really excited to start the similar endeavor with Ricky, Tim and Jeremy but part of me is dreading having to be the only one who has experienced the wonderful feeling of knowing you WILL go out there and kick some major ass and excite every last person lucky enough to see you. Blah, I'm gonna try to not be negative anymore as this was an overall great weekend. I'm sure I'll use this blog to vent my frustrations at starting a troupe all over again but look forward to that being therapeutic as well as getting to share in our successes :)

Back to the fire show at Orangeville and the scope of peoples' enjoyment:
-Middle-school aged girls asked us to sign their feet. Yes, their feet. Sharpie scribble-signature and a bold MOOCH! having been applied to two different girls' feet, I moved on...
-high-school alternative girl wanting her converse sneakers signed
-grandmother telling me how much she was impressed and how much fun she had
-young boy of maybe 5 years of age saying "those flames were scary" but when asked if he had fun he eagerly said he did!
-college-age guys who saw us last year being blown away by how they didn't think we could get BETTER than what they saw last year
-Jeff, one of the sound guys probably in his early 30s, being super-pumped that he got to actually watch us this year after having been busy doing setup and maintenance last year
-a little girl, maybe 6 years old, being coaxed by her mom to not be shy and share her personal comment spoken after the show "I really liked your dancing". Thank you, Will Smith.
-and last, but not least, a mother in her mid/late 20s asked to take a picture of me with her baby. Ok, this was the first time ever that I held a baby and it was for a photo by the baby's mother after a fire performance! How freakin weird is that!!!

IT HAS BEGUN

Yesssss! A Ricky and a Tim have been absconded from the real world by Jeremy and me to create an east coast offshoot of A Different Spin! Victory! New England colleges and festivals won't know what hit them...

here we go!

So Jeremy and I are gonna buckle-down hardcore and see what we can do to make a performance troupe a reality. The plans are being formulated, foundations laid and soon we will attempt to snare a few talented individuals into our masterpiece of madness. More to come, I swear!

yowzah

Over a month since I last posted. Wish I could say that last post was a portent of what has happened between now and then. Not so much.

I am still jobless while I muse what the next year will bring. A lack of ink for my printer stalled my putting bartending resumes out and once I got off my ass to get the ink I realized I couldn't use that printer with my laptop. The definition of fail, no? Well in any case, I can buy a lovely USB-to-olde-skool-printer-cable if I really want to do that. Who knows, maybe I will. On the plus side, I made some more delicious banana bread. Mmmm, banana bread...

Oh wow, just noticed I didn't post about the non-fire Barefoot Monkey show I spent time doing. Wow it's been a long time. That show was another good experience for me even if it didn't reach all of my hopes for a show. There was some very effective work that showed up during performances and I'm extremely happy for the BFM for branching out and pushing their circus boundaries :) Sad part would be I got to perform with people who either wouldn't want to or would be unable to perform with any endeavor I push for in the near future.

On the performance-troupe-front, I have some very solid finacial backing at my disposal if I can get a solid enough 'business plan'. And I've settled on doing the college circuit at least for a spell to gain some more experience and resume-fluffing. There are a TON of colleges out there that would be great places to put on a fire show and do some workshopping. Even if it isn't my 'ideal' performance situation I believe I could be happy and very successful doing it. So more to come in that regard I hope.

It has to start somewhere, it has to start sometime.
What better place than here, what better time than now?

yay, doing stuff!

So as I posted last time, I was not 'sold' on the quality of the fire show I was in but was in a good mindset to do it. It was lots of fun, mostly because I decided to have fun with the show but a large part of that goes to people not stressing and (for the most part) just having a good time. Think the small-ish (for Barefoot Monkey fireshow) audience enjoyed it and the seniors felt good about their last fire show. I was glad to contribute to that experience for them and believe it was a fantastic way for me to work on personal standards in performances. Plus it got me all excited about having loud music blast while dancing around with fire. I really believe a kick-ass fire show can still succeed. But would it be easier to write than a 'narrative' piece? The variety needs to be there much more in a general kick-ass show than in a narrative piece which can always draw on the theme/dramatic action. Meh, still a debate I need to clear up.

This past weekend not only gave me the great experience of getting pumped and having a blast spinning fire but reminded me how much fun I'd have playing soccer. The common theme I found was that I want to push myself really hard to the point of injury/exhaustion. It is insanely satisfying to collapse after a show, rehearsal, practice or game and also amazing to go out there and sacrifice my body for the ball (and maybe a real good hit on the opposing team's striker). Motivation has seemingly always been an issue for myself but once I can get myself into a groove I can see myself training to throw myself heedlessly in front of bigger, stronger people than me in pursuit of a multi-panel ball or training circus skills or writing amazing performances. Just need to get myself in that groove...

way too long

since i last posted. Lots to write about but I've been under the weather for several days. Gonna hit the big stuff though...

Had a mostly awesome trip to the left coast. Saw almost everyone I had been missing but didn't get to see all of the Dreamtime Circus folk (to be fair, many were either still in India or recovering). Got to learn a thing or two about myself as well as got to learn some acro-balancing techniques courtesy of the very talented Mike Templeton, and several cool spinning concepts courtesy of the fine instructors (and their guests) of Spinagogue. Good stuff.

Pretty successful trip to Harvey Mudd College where A Different Spin had a reunion of sorts and kicked ass teaching for five sunny hours (oops, no sunblock = nasty sunburn on my forehead. Mmm, peeling skin...) and entertained a fair number of their campus with a fire show in the evening. That show consisted of acts we had practiced the day before for the first time in 6 months and three never-before performed acts we semi-wrote that day before (and on the ride down mwhahaha). Was the show up to my silly standards? Of course not, but it was an overall good time which was a very great experience for me at the least. I went in with a different perspective as I knew we hadn't practiced together in forever, Alex had just gotten back from India and I personally hadn't spun fire since I saw them those 6 months ago. Even with that adjusted perspective I could very well have been disappointed with the quality but I think I have made personal strides recently and was able to enjoy the show for the good parts and laugh at all that went wrong.

The Harvey Mudd fire show will serve me well as I help the Barefoot Monkeys out with a fire show that is also not up to my usual standards (which I have no intention of really changing, I am merely becoming more ok with not reaching those high standards in all that I do). There are still plenty of good pieces to the show and I'm sure I can help people keep things fun once I can get my sick-ass back to the cold fire practices...though there are like four days till the show and Jeff is wearing thin on sanity. Hope he can stick on through and stay as positive as possible. Helping him have fun on Saturday is priority numero uno in my book.

The OTHER Monkey show I am joining is interesting...I am both excited and frustrated by it. Just like the Parents Weekend Fire Show the time available to prepare may play way too large a part in the 'effectiveness' of the show. But I think it is a great attempt by the club to try something different even if it doesn't meet initial hopes and expectations. I have no real idea how the overall show will be but I can say there will be some damn fun juggling :) I'm really not sure why passing clubs and torches is so personally rewarding but there ya have it. Maybe the juggling act will also dramatically fulfill it's purpose but I know there will be cool passing patterns and at least I plan on having a good time. Once the fire show is done maybe things will come together much more easily for those involved in this long 'daytime' circus show and it will fly into creating a wonderous event. But it WILL be a great experience nonetheless and I look forward to it.

My head is all stuffy thought-wise so I think that'll about do it for now. Hopefully I will kick my own ass into gear and post more now that I am back and attempting to find what is oft called a 'groove'.

Greedy or Needy?

I need to be surrounded by beautiful things in my life. Spring will be a great start out here but I need exposure to beautiful art and listen to more of even my current collection of beautiful music. It is so damn inspiring when surrounded by those things. Going to (good) museums, reading beautifully crafted books (yeah, it's dorky that I like old books, deal with it), hearing harmonies and gorgeous sweeping key changes, and just being in 'green pastures' would be fantastic. And expressing that more accurately would be very much desired as well.

Or do I just need to be happier with the little things around me?

I don't think I need to be surrounded by physically beautiful people, though I do need more emotionally beautiful ones in my physical interactions(and that is a really warm and comforting thought---emotionally beautiful people). But I do have some wonderful books at my disposal, I can use the internet to see many beautiful works of art if not in person and can listen to more of the aforementioned music. Beyond that should I be more content/inspired/heartened by the smaller beauties that must exist in my current everyday life? Part of me feels that would selling life short or settling for a muted version of what exists. Not sure if that's a spoiled-brat part of me or a vital, struggling-for-inspiration and beauty part that should be heeded. Grrr...

Blargh

productivity has not been a remotely common occurrence for me this past week. Blargh. And I'm sucking at the eating well thing, I keep trying random snack foods that don't make me feel too great and eating high-sugar fruits on an empty stomach. And I will be heading off to California shortly which means a whole lotta Clif Bars to tide me over on my plane trips and until I settle into cooking food at my old apartment (looking forward to seeing those people though).

Basically a whole lot of negative feeling at the moment with regards to how productive I've been as well as how much just useless crap exists in the 'real world' (silly societal norms and rules and such). Not sure why I'm posting this as it is not productive or enlightening in and of itself. Blargh.

Target audience?

well I hope I didn't scare any of my four readers off with that weird over-population post. I've been watching a slew of those episodes and they are so entertaining and educational. fun stuff.

I'm slowly feeling better about my excercising as it feels a little easier each day and the mild soreness is a good thing. Now I just need to get my eating in better order. A trip out to an Indian restaurant with my dad has thrown me a bit of a curveball and I think there is some part of my diet (cheese? cookies? roasted pepper chicken sausage?) that may not be sitting too well. One good thing at a time, I guess.

On the circusy-front, I've been contemplating the whole target audience subject my friend Emily brought up in her comment on one of my previous blogs. The type of performance I work to bring to life can very well be quite limited in its 'accessibility' and appeal. How much of a role should I let that play in this entire process? Having a wider customer base would increase the feasibility of a project. I neither see myself with enough savings nor believe any others who may join the project would be particularly happy with the 'struggling artist' track. The experience in Oakland with A Different Spin showed me that a more 'variety act' fire show coupled with workshops and street-show daytime performances create the opportunity to make a living (pay for rent, food, medical bills, car payments) with as little as two gigs a month. That was very encouraging and also extremely frustrating as we did not pursue it in earnest even once the truth was experienced. But in any case, maybe it makes sense to do that kind of a thing all over again---create a kick-ass fire variety show that can help pay the bills as it is more accessible and appealing to a larger scope of customers while a larger visionary show is worked on. And that larger show could be the more narrative piece as I've mentioned before or a band/electronic music producer collaborative show. But it also could just be a more kick-ass fire show. All three options require what any entertainment venture require---time to build a fan base/get recognition; you've gotta struggle through some rough times of being rejected, not being paid as much, etc. to get to the level you deserve. Depending on the success of the 'start-up'/pay-the-bills shows this might be a shorter time period than usual but I have a feeling recognition will take time regardless. The benefit to doing a more straight-up kick-ass fire show with the larger project is that I feel it would be more accessible to different groups of people. A large part of that is even if it is a unique take on variety-type shows, it comes from a foundation of familiar entertainment form: show up, pay a fee, see some display of skill, applaud, go home. It's also easier from a creation standpoint as the foundation doesn't need to be created from scratch (as I mentioned a few posts ago). I think I could be very happy working to create an amazingly impressive fire variety show even though it wouldn't be as cool and 'ground-breaking' as the other narrative/band ideas.

There is also the flexibility to create shorter or longer shows based on which acts are included/which performers can make a performance. But could this also create disinterest and allow some performers to coast and put in minimal effort? I guess these are very farsighted questions as well as very theoretical. After all, wouldn't I be involved only with people I felt were committed? And that doesn't preclude performers from having a minor time commitment as long as their results are of the proper quality. Bah, this is getting way too far ahead of things...I'm going to go gather my thoughts a little better and post again today or tomorrow about this.

fresh start

So I now AM officially done with the work thing. To celebrate, I finally had my hair re-cut, re-dyed and re-shaved. Yay symbolic gestures. Ain't they grand?

So hopefully I will now be able to make some serious progress in many areas of my life. Keeping myself physically healthy will be a top priority so exercise and eating right are gonna be on tap every day. My mental health will improve as the weather gets better soon I'm sure. And the trip back to California for ten days to see so many wonderful circus arts friends AND perform for Harvey Mudd College should be quite refreshing and grounding as I start to muddle through the vision of performing for a living. My short-term goal is to get the groundwork laid for what the next several months will be like in the 9 or so days until I cross the country via the airways. Contacting some inspirational people from the past will be a first step (and one I will continue on the west coast) and a TON of brainstorming will be the fruits of my labor, I think. That will be tough for me to handle as it may not appear to be much progress or work that gets done in that short time but I am also working on being more satisfied with the little steps and small wonders in life. Ooh, multi-tasking: further the circus dream and make myself a more content person.

A random side-note is that I think everyone should check out Penn & Teller's Showtime series "Bullshit!" There are a ton of episodes on youtube and they tackle some fantastic topics ranging from the energy crisis and nuclear power to the death penalty to Mother Theresa/Gandhi/the Dali Lama to the war on drugs and even to abstinence. They basically take a controversial subject and get a representative (or two or three) from each side to explain some important aspects of the subject. Unfortunately, the hosts don't perform their very entertaining magic but they do plenty of amusing exchanges between ever-silent Teller and Penn. And Penn will call many people assholes each show. Good times.

But in any case, there was a 'what you eat' episode in which they attacked Greenpeace for stopping genetically-modified crops from being sent to countries with starvation issues. There were many hippies and raw-foodites to explain all the dangers and a few more scientific-folk to show how safe the crops were. It got me to thinking all those philosophical thoughts about a moral duty to help those in worse conditions (which, if you spoke to me during my time at Vassar, you'd know I believe strongly in after reading some very convincing philosophy assignments) and the ideas of 'survival of the fittest'/natural population control. Technology has allowed us to overcome a lot of the more basic traits that would have taken us out of the evolutionary picture (eyesight, allergies and birth defects are some of the many examples) and has been used as a defense for how we have adapted in a way to create a 'fitter' genetic group. But it's a damn tricky concept. Ending world hunger used to be a no-brainer to me, but when some arguments were presented to me in college I realized maybe that wasn't the whole story. We have too many people living in the world at the rate we are going and hunger, disease, and disaster act as means of curbing that growing population for the overall good of the planet. I don't know how to look at that. Is creating genetically modified food crop that will allow many millions of people to live right if we are not allowing them to live as they 'should'? Ie, can we use our 'genetically fit' trait of technology to eliminate one of the limiting factors of population growth? We may not understand how the modifications to the crops will affect their quality of life, affect the weather patterns and land quality (not to mention balance of the ecosystem with regards to other plant and animal species), but it WILL allow millions of people to live longer than they currently are. There is that very fierce part of my person that screams "YES, you save as many people as you can!" but we would be making currently un-farmed and overall poorly life-sustaining land into something it's not in a very short amount of time. Maybe we are not 'supposed to' be living in certain regions of the world with our current genetic make-up. Hell, maybe we aren't supposed to be living in cities in the fashion we do. My Crohns disease has opened my eyes to what we accept on a daily basis as 'healthy' or at least not detrimental in terms of food. We 'should' not be eating 90%+ of what most people in the US do from a genetic standpoint and it is beginning to show in the rise of heart disease, digestive disorders and cancer in the US. This is the crux of the matter: just because we TECHNOLOGICALLY can create food at a rate to cheaply and (from a taste standpoint, at least as we've been force-fed it and become accustomed to it) readily supply particular foods doesn't mean we GENETICALLY are able to properly digest that food. Just because we have used technology to inject vitamins into cardboard doesn't mean that we will receive those vitamins if we ingest that cardboard. So who's to say the genetically modified crops would not eventually create issues not just for the health of the people they feed but for the planet itself? A couple of years ago I would yell at anyone with that question but I am instead just stuck not knowing which side wins out anymore...

I miss academia...

It has begun!....almost....

Today was supposed to be my first weekday of glorious lack of employment. A roadblock popped up when my coworker decided to wait until the absolute last minute to get me a write-up to be added to my final project. Forget the details, I will be working from home for a day or two longer to wrap things up but am MOSTLY free.

I began day one of 'get myself in healthier shape' and just the beginning was tough as I expected. Even just doing a few sets of free-weights (something I used to do regularly and with ease, not to mention 5 more pounds per weight, a few years ago) is draining. But when I still have a really hard time looking at myself in the mirror I know the battle will be uphill and am committed to using this new free time to eating better and keeping active. I want to gain back at least 20 of the 30+lbs I lost. Plus the increased blood-flow due to working out gets me amped up to work on the logistics of future circus and fire arts performance and improving my own limited skills. Huzzah! Ok, time for some food and hopefully some brainstorming before more exercise.

homestretch

so looking forward to this week. a bit bittersweet as though this is my last week at work it is also the week where I will travel home twice to do some yahrtzeit services with my dad for my mom.

I say bittersweet but it's actually quite fitting now that I think about it. My mom wanted nothing more than for me to be happy. She always believed in what I was doing, whether it was jazz, soccer or circus (or academics of course). A big part in my eventual decision to leave California---even with some progress shown and perhaps a glimmer of future potential---was because of her dying (sidenote: I've found I dislike the phrase 'passing away'. It tries to pretty-up and lessen a loss. It is a loss. It hurts. Acknowledge that). She had her reservations about my traveling to Oakland after graduation. Those reservations were partly rooted in her failing health and my recent diagnosis with Crohns. But I know she was also very worried about how I would handle possible failure/realization that my goals couldn't be attained. She knows I am hard on myself and the last thing she wanted was for me to be stressed and unhappy, and I believe that superseded her health concerns. When I called to give updates and didn't sound happy about where things were going I could tell she was worried and upset.

So I will have my last week of work, which marks the beginning of a new lifestyle and mindset, with a week where I remember my mom. Quite fitting.

unproductive

It's been a disappointing last two days. A ridiculously useless and stressful day at work but I'll spare yall the boring details. Bottom line is that after being a pushover and telling my boss 'yes I WILL come in on Friday to waste my time, energy and health for a 3rd straight work-day' I had the overwhelming urge to walk outside and scream until I was left with a ripped and raw throat while gasping for painfully cold breath. One of only three times that's happened to me in my spotty memory. I so can't wait for this job to be over. One more week at the max...

But today was just plan useless. I decided to give my body all the sleep it asked for in hopes to make some progress kicking this lingering sickness but even 11+ hours later I felt awful. Not to mention it didn't make for a productive start to my day. I got updates from my few friends that are enjoying their jobs which was great to hear about but also made me a bit jealous. I also got updates from friends in not fun job situations which was saddening but in one case my friend is ready to put a plan into place and move forward to attempt amazing things. I will so support that and do all I can to make it happen. That was somewhat inspiring...yet I got nothing done. at least I posted this I guess. blarg...

The comments I've received on this blog both via email and as blog-comments have been surprisingly supportive and complimentary. It's still a bit odd for some reason for me to hear those things but I truly appreciate them. The support is very very much appreciated and I will look to those comments to get me through these periods of uselessness and the eventual struggles when I finally dive on in. I think I am beginning to see another bonus to my even pursuing this dream of performing---inspiring others to pursue what makes them happy. I believe that if I can realize it, the performances will inspire those who see them but I never realized the pursuit itself could inspire. I really hope that I can do that. I'm not happy with the normal life we are thrust into and have questioned (often without answer yet) the requirements it installs. Sometimes it takes someone else to remind you to ask those questions and give a little prod in the right direction before you can get on the path to what will eventually make you happiest. I will do my best to query and nudge as often as I can :)

ka-plow!

This is gonna be one all-over post...

I can't wait until I am done with work. Too many little things crop up that I need to do on my days off (and/or I'm sick from my lovely immuno modulator meds or having discomfort from my work hours that carries over to the next day) that I haven't been able to get into a good routine of circus training and 'writing'. Excuses will be out the window once this job is over within the next week or so.

As for that 'writing' I have already been muddling it through my head a bit and am wondering where to start. I want to have a better handle on what I want to DO before I start sketching out ideas. I emailed the two email addresses on E.S. Posthumus' website a month ago with a vague teaser of the idea of a concert event with fire performers and haven't heard anything back. Maybe I need to have a really solid idea before I do that, maybe that email was too vague and didn't have any visuals to show. I am beginning to dislike the maybes...

I believe in the viability of a performance group that does one of two things:

1) performs at festivals and corporate events, doing a kick-ass fire show, some good ole' atmospheric circus and magic daytime work, and workshops and/or daytime 'shows' if wanted. A Different Spin did this in Orangeville last summer and is going to do it again this summer. This can bring in very solid money and doesn't require much continued effort after the first one as the material is mostly there.

2) some sort of narrative fire show with a band (Coheed and Cambria?) or music producers (E.S. Posthumus?) to create a unique entertainment event. Not a regular concert and not Cirque. A rockin middle ground.

Of course there are lots of issues that exist in making either of these work. The first option is pretty easy really but still requires that someone is learning where to find the gigs. I have no clue. Is there a cool "founders' fairs" website where we can find the places willing to shell out $5,000+ for a day or two of amazing entertainment? The price is maybe even low but reasonable by any stretch of the imagination. If things had gone differently out in California I might be able to answer that question of where to go to find more gigs or even seeing how the idea plays out but such is life...

The issue for the second option is well uh...EVERYTHING. You gotta start from scratch and write a whole show. And the scope of it is pretty big---it's pretty much writing a play/musical, choreographing a ballet, and getting the cast and crew to do that. And do you do that without first having a band/musical producer? Part of me thinks writing a show to all E.S. Posthmus music would be a great idea---have something to show them that is not only impressive but reduces their need to invest time to get things started. I have a reservation that all the time and work to create something that could be scrapped. But that is one I should throw out the window. If it gets the opportunity to make the vision a reality the time and energy was worth it. Yay for removing my reservation by writing about it :) But the scope issue still exists. I started tackling this by compiling a list of cast (performers) and crew (lights/sound, music mixing types) that I've met and think may even have a sliver of interest. It's not a very big list. It has a few question marks for people I haven't seen perform much, personalities I'm not sure would work well with me or others and many concerns over how much they could buy into this idea at this point in their life.

This list is a start. It doesn't make sense to contact the people on it yet, though. As I mentioned earlier, I need a better idea of what it is this will BE before I take the next step. Before I find out how many of the people I already know will join in making this ridiculous vision, whatever it ends up being, happen.

As scattered as this post has been I feel like it's given me a bit of a push to get moving on this. I can't wait until I'm done with work...

Health

I have to this point in my life only met one person I am comfortable just 'being' with---no need to talk/engage in some sort of game or activity. In every other setting I need to DO something, be somehow productive. Hell, talking about silly existential or personal things seems productive compared to watching people play a game or something like that.

I bring this up because I spoke with my doctor on Thursday and my soon-to-be-ex boss on Friday and something really hit home for me: I am not going to have a regular, healthy life. I mean, there's a chance someday things will magically iron themselves out in my digestive system but as things stand and the medication I am on affects me, it's gonna be sporadic and unknown how healthy I feel each day. My doctor described it as an imperfect control that would keep me from fairly regular awful health and instead put me in mostly 'good' health. Depending on what I eat I may feel like crap. Depending on when I ate things and when I get up I may feel like crap. The thing that made me maddest about my illness when it was full-blown was that I could never know when it was gonna hit hard. The inbetween times were uncomfortable but much better than that. Now it's unknown to me when I am going to feel uncomfortable and the inbetween times are mostly great. This is a huge improvement but one that I don't think I really accepted until these past few days. I am very glad to have moved on through a very rough second-half of my senior year at Vassar and the time in Berkeley and Club Med where things were looking down again. I grew closer to my mom before she died as a result of my struggle, learned a lot about myself, and met some great people so there is a positive even to that very negative time in my life. Where I go from here is the important part though.

Maybe this constant worry about when times will feel healthy or not for me is why I have such little patience for the downsides in many walks of 'normal' life (mostly in the work area of course). Whatever it is, I know that I need to find a way to take advantage of my good times and help sustain them by reveling in good health and experiencing and creating things that make me happy. Finding a safe way to push through the 'unhealthy' times is going to be a challenge that I hope to tackle as well towards the same end.

It would be hypocritical of me not to keep in mind part of the message in my last post---namely that I STILL have it better off than countless people throughout the world. I WILL succeed in my goals. I WILL have a happy life even if it is not a 'regular, healthy' one.

Surviving

This blog will definitely serve as a soap-box of sorts and a place for me to dump some unsettling musings I have in my head. I am going to do my best to avoid too much existential nonsense and in all parts of my life I hope to be a bit less emo than I have been :)

The biggest struggle I've found for myself over the past year or two (other than dealing with unrealized potential) is the response to the negative aspects of life with "that's the way it is for everyone, just deal". The result of most 9-5 jobs is coming home to cook/heat up food and then veg out and watch TV (and extremely rarely is that TV 'good' in being educational or inspirational) and finally go to bed mentally and inspirationally exhausted to begin the cycle again the next day. I have a few friends who enjoy their jobs but I think they still end up in this cycle. Why do they do it? Even if you get pleasure from work at some points, isn't the low-energy lull post-work an issue that shouldn't just be shrugged off? Of course there is bound to be a downside of sorts to pretty much any work situation but isn't it reasonable to require more than we tend to? What are you moving towards in your earning money (as this is usually the easiest excuse for staying with a job)? Who are you making happy by staying in the situation you are currently in?

These are questions that I hope everyone poses to themselves fairly frequently. Enjoy your happiness by all means, but be self-reflective at any given time. And above all, do not forget how good we have it compared to so many people not just in other countries but here in the US. We have fantastic opportunities to create something fantastic and it's (to me at least) wrong to waste those opportunities.


Life for you, has been less than kind
So take a number, stand in line
We've all been sorry, we've all been hurt
But how we survive, is what makes us who we are
-Rise Against

Hello, World!

I think that title was some sort of funny Computer Science joke but I'm so far removed from my days learning how to program that I can't be too sure...ah well. (and by World I mean all 3 of you reading this...then again, tis my first so maybe I'll get a whole SIX to see this one!)

Herro, World! So this is my first post on my first blog on my first day of setting myself on a path to greatness! At least I hope it shall be great. Grand would be perfectly acceptable as well.

Bah, I'm sure you're at least mildly curious and wish to know why I called you here to waste a few precious internet-based-procrastination minutes. So I will cut to the chase...I need some accountability in my life. And the internet is a sure-fire way to get people to kick my ass. Ok, no, that really doesn't sound like particularly...well, sound, reasoning but I think it is. As a good friend once told me "Blogs are peoples' way of getting up on the metaphorical table of the internet and yelling 'Look at me!'" So though I am not artistically inclined I hope to create something useful every day or so for others to see and judge. Ooh, that's right, you can JUDGE me. And I won't be able to say "well, my cartoon/poem/flash animation is subject to a certain aesthetic" (not that those endeavors are not just as valid and substantial). You can call me a flat-out crazy mofo. I mean, I did just quit a perfectly good job to see if I can make the dream of circus and fire arts performance a reality. Oh yes, I did just throw in that little bit of juicy info about what this blog may end up being about...